


However You Want Me

by heartsopenminds



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Asexual Character, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-19 04:50:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19968316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsopenminds/pseuds/heartsopenminds
Summary: Phil is relieved to finally come to terms with his sexuality. The only problem is what it might mean for his relationship with Dan.





	1. Chapter 1

Phil sits behind his laptop staring at an empty Word document. He’s supposed to be doing research and generating a list of ideas for upcoming videos, but he seems to be spending more time stealing glances at Dan stretched out on the sofa opposite than he does actually working. He feels the familiar ache in his chest that never seems far away these days, and wishes for the hundredth time that he could go back to the way things had been just a few months ago.

He clicks on a background tab and pulls up the website he’d been browsing a little earlier that evening, with the purple background and the banner heading that reads “An asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction.”

Phil couldn’t say exactly when these words had started to mean something to him on a personal level. He’d seen so much on Tumblr about all the emerging and ever-changing labels that people were using to describe their sexuality, and had never really taken too much notice. He knew he was gay, and the fact that he’d never had any real relationships had just seemed due to circumstances, or bad luck. When he’d first heard the term asexual, he’d thought it was funny, bringing to mind jokes about amoebas and asexual reproduction. Then when he heard people use it to describe their sexuality, he’d assumed it meant being in effect being sexless – having no sexual feelings, never experiencing arousal, never finding anyone attractive. It sounded like quite a sad way of life. 

Before meeting Dan, Phil had had some experiences with guys – there had been some drunken snogging at parties that on a couple of occasions had gone further, but it never developed into anything more serious. Phil had thought this was because he wasn’t really looking just for sex. What he really wanted was a relationship. He’d spend more time fantasising about having someone to share his ordinary day-to-day life with, someone to cuddle up with on the sofa or take out to dinner than he did about sleeping with anyone.

When he started talking to Dan online, his romantic daydreams went from generic to specific. It was now Dan he’d imagined doing those things with, and Dan had seemed to feel the same way about him too. He’d loved the fact that he didn’t feel he had to be anything other than himself for Dan to like him, he could be geeky and awkward and make stupid jokes, and Dan seemed to find it charming.

As his relationship with Dan had progressed from texting to Skype, Phil had felt butterflies in his stomach every time he’d seen Dan’s smile appear on the screen. He’d quite enjoyed and even encouraged Dan’s sexually-charged banter, even though he found himself easily embarrassed by it.

When Dan came up to see him, everything seemed to fall into place. They’d chatted, flirted and held hands surreptitiously as they wandered around Manchester together. Dan seemed determined to invade Phil’s personal space at every opportunity and looked at him with such obvious adoration in his eyes that Phil spent most of the day feeling giddy even after they’d come off of the Manchester Eye. Back at his house they both seemed to want the anticipation to last, and so things didn’t progress further until the night before Dan was leaving. Dan had schemed to get them both tipsy, and they’d fallen into bed, all lips and teeth and tongue and skin, exploring each other’s bodies before falling asleep tangled up together.

Phil had woken early the next morning, Dan’s head on his chest and his arms wrapped around him. Dan looked gorgeous, all soft and sleep-mussed. Phil knew he should be feeling happy. The boy he liked liked him back, shouldn’t that be the best feeling in the world? But in spite of that, something just felt wrong. It felt too much, too close and he could feel a rising sense of panic in his chest, feeling the need to escape but at the same time not wanting to wake Dan up because he didn’t want him to see how conflicted he felt about what had happened between them the night before. Eventually though, the need for the loo overrode any other consideration, and he got up and went to the bathroom. He went downstairs and started making breakfast, and when Dan joined him a little while later he made sure to keep the mood light and joking, going back to how they’d been with each other earlier in the weekend.

He could tell Dan was a little wrong-footed by this, but he didn’t know what else to do so he just ignored the awkwardness of it all. He knew he had feelings for Dan, he wanted to be with him all the time and share everything about himself, but at the same time the physical intimacy they’d had the night before just was something that he couldn’t imagine doing again.

After he’d taken Dan back to the station, Phil had sat in his kitchen trying to work out what on earth had happened. He felt guilty that he’d maybe led Dan on, and worried that Dan would feel rejected or embarrassed. He decided the best course of action was to go with the one thing he knew for sure, which was that Dan was the best friend he’d ever had and he was determined to keep him in his life.

He’d managed to steer their relationship back to being friends, even though from the outside it might have looked like more since they still spent hours talking to each other on Skype and tried to get together as often as possible. Every now and then he would notice Dan looking at him thoughtfully, and he knew that the other boy was trying to figure out why their relationship had taken the course that it had, but nothing was ever said out loud.

He and Dan had fallen into a comfortable rhythm with each other, and although unconventional, their lifestyle worked for them. They were able to laugh off all of the intense fan speculation about the nature of their relationship. So what if most men their age didn’t still live with their best friend rather than finding a partner and settling down? It worked for them and other people could think what they liked.

Over the years, Phil had wondered if and when either he or Dan would find someone else, but it just never seemed to happen. From time to time, Dan would hook up with someone but nothing ever more ever came of it and in recent years it had barely happened at all. As for Phil, he just never seemed to meet anyone he felt that way about. He’d made a decision when his channel first started to get big that he didn’t want to come out to his YouTube audience. His sexuality was only one part of him and he didn’t want to risk being labelled as a gay YouTuber when there was so much more to him than that. He was mostly happy with his decision, but it did feel like a big part of the reason that he was still single at nearly 30. It was hard to meet people when you were being so careful who you told about your sexuality.

But the longer this went on, the more it he started to suspect that there was something more to it. He’d started doing some research online and the penny finally dropped when he realised that sexual attraction and romantic attraction are actually two separate things. For most people, the two occur together, but not for everyone. He realised that this explained what had happened between him and Dan – he was romantically attracted to Dan and had fallen hard for him, but those feelings didn’t coincide with a sexual attraction. On reflection, Phil had never really felt that way for anyone except when he’d had too much to drink and his good judgement was impaired. Romantic intimacy hadn’t been available, so physical intimacy had probably felt like an acceptable substitute. 

At first, this realisation came with a real sense of relief. Finally, he could understand who he was and what he wanted. The problem was that he didn’t think he could have it. He looked back at his early relationship with Dan, about the nervous anticipation he’d felt about finally meeting him in person and how much he’d enjoyed that first day together and realised that for him, keeping things at that level would have made it the perfect relationship.

The problem was, Dan had quite rightly assumed that Phil’s romantic attraction to him would come alongside a sexual one, and so he had naturally wanted to take things to the next level which was the point where Phil had pulled back. When Phil had made it clear that he just wanted to be friends, they’d ended up forming an amazing connection and did have a lot of the things that Phil had wanted in a relationship, as well as none of the things he didn’t want so why was he taking the risk of putting that danger by wanting to ask for more? There was no way that a relationship between them could work. He knew he had no right to ask that of Dan without giving him what he needed in return.

And yet….the thoughts wouldn’t leave him alone. So here he was, pining over his friend while secretly looking up websites about asexuality, instead of actually getting on with his work.

He sighed, and looked back at his laptop screen. He idly clicked on the Forum link, and scanned down the list of most recent posts. A post heading caught his eye “Why does everyone assume asexuals don’t have sex?” It had been fascinating to discover the wide range of experiences and attitudes to sex that all somehow fitted under the asexual umbrella. He’d spent a lot of time browsing through the Asexual Dating subforum, wondering if it might help him find a way that he could make a relationship with Dan work somehow. But it seemed to him that the majority of posts were either about asexuals in relationships with each other, or else about relationships where the asexual person was comfortable with some level of sexual contact even though they didn’t actually feel attraction. Much as he loved Dan, Phil had already proved that this wouldn’t be right for him.

Impulsively, Phil opened the dating subforum, scrolled to the bottom of the screen and started typing in the New Post box.

_“Can a purely romantic relationship work with someone who isn’t ace?”_

_I’m asexual, but have come to realise that I have and have probably always had strong romantic feelings for my best friend. He’s single and hasn’t dated in a long time and we spend pretty much all our time together, but he’s not asexual so I don’t think we could ever work as a couple because I wouldn’t feel right about asking him to give up sex. The thing is, I can’t stop fantasising about our relationship being different, about going out on dates, walking along hand in hand and looking up at the stars….am I being totally naïve to think this could work for us? Does anyone have any experience of this?_

When Phil had learned that some people were aromantic as well as asexual, he knew that wasn’t the case for him. He was definitely homo and, he realised, would be quite sickeningly romantic, given the chance so had come to identify with the term homoromantic asexual.

Sometimes he felt like it was the uncertainty of not knowing how things would work out between him and Dan that caused him the most misery. He’d almost wish that Dan would meet someone else and get his happily ever after, just so he’d be out of this limbo. Wehen he was really honest with himself, he knew if this ever happened it would literally break his heart. But he knew that what he wanted more than anything was for Dan to be happy, and he just didn’t see how it could be with him. So here he was, pouring his heart out to strangers on the internet and hoping just maybe someone could help. Pathetic.

Sighing, he closed the browser and shut down his laptop. He stood up and stretched.

“I’m heading to bed, see you in the morning.”

Dan glanced up and smiled as Phil walked past him. “Yeah, see you in the morning”.


	2. Chapter 2

A few days later, Dan and Phil are leaving the restaurant where they’ve been out for a meal to celebrate Phil’s birthday. They usually just stay in and get a takeaway if they’re not getting together with friends, but on this occasion Dan had insisted that he wanted to take Phil out somewhere nice, and Phil had to admit he’d enjoyed himself more than he’d thought he would. It was unusual to spend so long just talking to each other without any screens involved and it had made a nice change.

Phil had started to order an Uber after they’d paid the bill, but Dan had suggested they walk home instead. Phil had laughed and started to make a joke about Dan actually volunteering to do some exercise, but when Dan stood up and headed out of the restaurant, he’d stuck his phone in his pocket and followed after him.

They're heading along the high street, past busy bars and restaurants, and after a few minutes they turn into a more residential street. They’re walking along, chatting away about nothing in particular, when suddenly Phil feels something brush his hand, and then warm fingers intertwining with his. Phil stops abruptly, his hand falling from Dan’s. He stares hard at Dan who has turned to face him, trying to figure out what’s going on.

“What exactly are you doing?” he asks, in a higher than usual voice.

Dan runs his hand through his hair, looking awkward. “I - shit. I was just trying to give you a nice evening out for your birthday.”

Phil looks confused. “By…..holding my hand?”

“Yes,” Dan says in a mildly exasperated tone.

“But…why?” Phil asks. “I mean, what made you think…oh!” Phil’s eyes suddenly go wide. It’d all just come together in his mind - the fancy dinner, the late night walk and now the hand holding...he could feel a flush that started in his chest and moved up to his face. 

“You saw what I posted, didn’t you? On the forum. Were you actually snooping on my computer?” Phil demanded.

“No!" says Dan, emphatically. "Well...yes, but not on purpose. You were acting weird the other night, staring off into space and sighing and then giving me funny glances when you thought I wasn’t looking. I thought you were either worried about something or planning some kind of strange surprise and I wanted to know what it was about so I might have….sneaked a look on your computer and accidentally seen what you’d written, yes.” 

Phil’s stomach is churning. “You had no right to do that.” he says in a quiet voice.

“Oh come on, we use each other’s laptops all the time, you must have seen loads of stuff that I’d rather you hadn't,” Dan scoffs.

“Yes, but this was different," Phil says, looking pained. "When you saw how personal it was, you should have stopped.” 

“I know it was personal, but well, it was also about me. I mean, I had no idea -” Dan looks away and clears his throat. He takes a pause, then continues in a softer tone. “I had no idea that you felt that way about me, and it seemed like you had no intention of telling me about it because you’d already decided we wouldn’t work. 

“I just, well, I didn’t see the point in talking about it because we aren’t…compatible in that way”.

”In what way?”

Phil felt his face go even more red. “In the...sex way. As in you want it in a relationship and I don't.”

“But don’t you see?" Dan puts his hands on his hips. "That’s literally the only way we’re not compatible. Everything else is perfect.” 

Phil looks taken aback. “Yeah but, that’s a pretty important area to differ in.”

Dan sighs. “Phil, it’s really not.”

“Oh come on,” Phil says impatiently, rolling his eyes.

Dan closes his eyes for a moment and presses his knuckles against his lips before looking back at Phil and starting to speak. “I don’t even…look, do you think it’s just a coincidence that we’re still living together, still spending all our time together after all these years? I came to terms a long time ago with the fact that this relationship, what we have together is the most important thing in my life, that you were always going to be the most important person in my life. I realised that if I could have you, in whatever way that meant, then that was enough. And it’s been amazing, truly it has, everything we've shared together and how close we've been. But then when I found out how you actually felt, when I realised that some of the things I’d thought I had to sacrifice might really be possible, I was overwhelmed. What you’d written about wanting to go on dates and look at the stars together...I felt exactly the same way. It made my heart hurt to realise we could have had that all along if only we’d known. Do you know how many times I’ve had to hold myself back from touching you? Never being able to show my feelings for fear that I’d scare you off completely? And now I have to stand here and listen to you say you don’t think I could be in a committed relationship with you unless we’re doing the do, well that’s just bullshit. Believe me, it really really isn’t a big deal.”

Phil stares at Dan, trying to take in what he’s saying. He’d wanted to hear those words from Dan for so long, he isn't quite sure he can trust that his ears aren't playing tricks on him.

Dan smiles softly, seeing the confusion and vulnerability on Phil’s face. “Honestly, I’d have been happy to keep things exactly as they have been, if that was all you were comfortable with. Whatever you want or don’t want to do is fine with me, as long as I’ve got you.”

Phil swallows, feeling a prickling at the back of his eyes. “Really?” he whispers.

“Really,” Dan replies and moves towards Phil, raising his hand to cup his cheek, as he looks up at him with a glowing smile. Phil smiles in return but pulls back a little, unsure.

“Too much?” Dan asks, stepping away with a concerned look on his face.

“Well it, it’s not just the sex I’m not keen on, it’s the snogging too," Phil says. "I mean, tongues, saliva?” He gives a theatrical shiver and screws up his nose. “Bleurgh. Even if they’re yours.”

Dan snorts softly. “OK, fair enough. So tell me what you do like?”

Phil smiles at Dan shyly and moves forward, sliding his hands around Dan's waist and pulling him close. In a muffled voice with his face resting against the side of Dan’s neck he mumurs “How about we start with this?”

**Author's Note:**

> This fic describes just one of many ways of experiencing asexuality, and any negative attitudes or misconceptions in this fic are representations of the characters' individual perceptions, not a definitive view of asexuality or ace relationships.  
> To find out more about asexuality, aromanticism and the ace/aro spectrum, visit the  AVEN  website.


End file.
